Narcissine Attraction
Andrew Campbell-Kearsey
‘You simply must meet Lionel. You’ll love him. He used to be “The Nose” for Givenchy. That’s before he launched his own fragrance of course.’
I racked my not inconsiderable brain. I was trying to figure out how Lionel’s olfactory prowess could endear him to me. Friends can be quite strange. I smiled.
‘I can’t wait.’ I hoped I sounded convincing.
Then my hostess was off, working the room and I was left by the fireplace. I knew nobody except Daphne and even she was just a gossiping acquaintance I’d known through the tennis club. That’s from the days when I could handle a racquet. I was formidable on the court in those days. Nowadays, bowls is more my style. That’s when I can be bothered to get out of bed.
Daphne’s clock marched to a different beat to that of the Greenwich Meridian. I could have sworn it said ten past eight half an hour ago. Yet somehow the minute hand has only struggled around to the four. I was calculating how much longer I need to endure this dullness when a young man approached. He had the smile of a simpleton.
‘Hello Uncle Gerry. I expect you don’t remember me.’ He put out his right hand towards me in an extremely forthright fashion.
‘Dear boy, it’s super to see you again.’ I couldn’t for the life of me think who he was. Fortunately he put me out of my misery. Apparently I was his godfather. There have been so many godchildren over the years that all the christenings blur into one. I was the obvious choice for many of my friends. No children of my own and although not in the Times Rich List, I was comfortable. I’m sure that some of my friends expected me to croak anytime soon and leave my fortune to their pride and joy. I intended to disappoint.
‘You certainly have a tight grip young man.’
‘I’ve just completed my officers’ training. Sorry if I hurt you.’
‘Good grief man. I may look fragile but I can withstand a handshake. What on earth is a young man like you doing here with all of us old crocks?
I scanned the room to check on my initial recollection. I was correct. The average age must be about sixty-five.
‘Well, Daphne is my fiancée’s aunt. To be honest, it’s a flying visit as we are having supper with friends later and I was meant to meet Vanessa here. She’s running late. It was probably her hair. She always wants to be just so.’
‘Congratulations on the engagement. It only seems like yesterday when –’
Luckily I was spared dredging up the memory of one of his childhood misdemeanours. To be brutally frank I wasn’t certain I could even recall any. Vanessa chose that exact moment to arrive.
She gave her fiancé a fulsome kiss that in my day would have been reserved for when they were alone. ‘So sorry I was late, Seb. I couldn’t decide what to wear and the phone just wouldn’t stop ringing and I daren’t put it on silent in case you were trying to contact me.’
Ah, Sebastian. I was grateful she’d name-checked him. I had distant memories of him as a baby in a ridiculous baptismal gown and an appalling string of middle names, so as not to offend either side of the family. Then she turned towards me and the smile possessed the strength of heavy duty floodlights.
‘I’m glad you haven’t been all alone. Do introduce me to your friend.’
He did as he was told and she lied exquisitely.
‘So you’re Uncle Gerry. I’ve heard so much about you.’
This can’t possibly have been true. I featured so scarcely in the lives of any of my godchildren. I had made the forgetting of birthdays an art form. But I joined in the charade.
‘Congratulations to you both. When I’d heard that somebody had agreed to make an honest man of young Sebastian I was intrigued to meet her. And now I see this vision of pulchritude before me. I can’t believe his good fortune. He must have done something exceedingly good in a previous life. Have you set a date yet?’
Vanessa despatched Sebastian in search of drinks for all of us and then went into the minutest of detail about her oncoming nuptial arrangements. This type of talk normally can be relied upon to bore me to tears, but for some strange reason I felt drawn to her descriptions of bridesmaids’ dresses and table decorations. She was charm personified. I was enchanted. She suggested to Sebastian that he should circulate as she was “wanting to monopolise me since it wasn’t every day one met such a fascinating man.” I customarily do not fall for such naked flattery. But on this occasion I was under her spell. She was so easy to be with. I encouraged her to talk. I considered the prospect of her departure for a late supper with profound sadness. Oh dear. I hope I wasn’t becoming one of those pathetic elderly people who develop inappropriate crushes on people a mere fraction of their own age.
‘But Gerry, I’ve done all the talking. Tell me a little of yourself. Apart for providing a sterling role model for Sebastian throughout his formative years, what do you do with your time?’
When I’m asked this question I invariably lie. I usually say that I paint or write poetry. I talk up the small amount of charity work that I’ve done in the past. It puts people off the scent. But for some reason I felt compelled to be utterly truthful to Vanessa.
‘I’ve rather wasted my life. I’ve no children and never stuck at a career long enough to succeed. I’ve been cursed with enough money to not have to do anything. I’ve rather allowed myself to fritter away my time. I regret that I haven’t left my mark.’
Tears had formed in my eyes. Vanessa didn’t respond with embarrassment or rapidly change the subject. After a suitable pause she took my hand and simply smiled at me. I took a deep breath and determined to change the subject.
‘Enough of all this maudlin stuff. Tell me more about you.’
She went on to recount her childhood and that her family called her the foundling as she was so much taller than her younger siblings and resembled neither her father nor mother. School in her words had been “such fun”. She hadn’t minded about boarding. I wish I could have bottled her enthusiasm for life. I asked about their honeymoon. Apparently Sebastian was entitled to some form of extended leave and they planned to tour the world. Some sort of ticket that meant as long as they kept travelling eastwards they were alright. When I showed my anxiety about the lack of plans for accommodation, she took my hand again. ‘You’re so sweet. You mustn’t worry. We’ll be fine. Besides I’ll have my personal soldier boy with me.’
Again, she laughed as she spoke. I found the sound entrancing. Sebastian chose that moment to come up to us.
‘I’m sorry Uncle, but I’m going to have to whisk Vanessa off for supper. We’re going to be late as it is.’
Vanessa pulled a face of great displeasure as if being parted from me was a torment. It was kind of her.
‘Just stop calling me uncle, will you? I’m old enough to be Methuseleh’s brother but I don’t want to be reminded of the fact by a whippersnapper like you.’
‘OK …Gerry. That’s going to be tricky for me.’
Vanessa hugged me goodbye and said, ‘Well Gerry, I’m delighted that we met. I know it sounds daft but I feel as if I’ve known you for years. I will accept no excuses…you are coming to our wedding and that’s final. And if you ask nicely I shall place you next to all the eligible single women.’
And then she was gone. The glare of her bright smile was left. I must have been standing watching the door where she’d left when Daphne approached.
‘Lovely girl, isn’t she? I’ve watched her grow up and turn into quite a lady. Sebastian’ll have his hands full. But of course, you’re his godfather. So you’ll all be kind of related. Funny that, because Vanessa’s my niece. You remember my little brat of a sister, surely? She was rather fond of you, if I recall. I think she had crazy notions of getting hitched to you. You spent a great deal of time together. But I managed to talk her out of it that summer. I told her you were far too old for her. Age gap marriages seldom work. I was her big sister and could always boss her about. Then she had one of those whirlwind romances and was married within the month. Three small children within five years. Touch and go whether it was the full nine months from the wedding day. I just remember Papa being happy she had a ring on her finger. What’s wrong with you, you’ve gone dreadfully pale?’
I feigned a sudden headache and said I was prone to them recently.
‘That’s such a shame. I was hoping to introduce you to Lionel. He’s such a card. But you really don’t look that good. Can I call a doctor or something? At least have a little sit down. I don’t like the idea of you going home alone.’
‘I’ll be fine, Daphne. I just need some fresh air. It’s been a lovely evening, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.’
Daphne rushed off to track down my coat, scarf and hat. Mercifully she did that quickly. I pecked her on the cheek, promising to call her as soon as I arrived home.
‘I certainly don’t want to imagine you being found unconscious in the gutter. I’m rather cross with Vanessa monopolising you this evening. I shall call her tomorrow and tear her off a strip. She’s worn you out. We’re not getting any younger, are we?’
I put on my outdoor clothing and went out into the cold. I wondered what type of wedding present I should buy. They would think it rather odd if I was overly generous. It will be strange to see another man walk my daughter down the aisle.